My Name is Jon, and I'm Gay

How to Talk About Gay

2010-11-17T08:46:00.000-08:00

Some friends and colleagues have asked me recently how they should talk about people being gay or LGBT issues generally, especially when their kids ask them questions. Some wonder whether they should dance around the issue or if it's okay to be direct. I say, be direct and talk about it as if it's any other normal thing - because it is...

Today is the birthday of one of my best friends, one of two friends who spoke to me openly about being gay before I came out. He would say things like, "You know you're gay, right?" or "Yeah, that's because you're gay!" when I would say or do something that seemed to show some conflict with the traditional norm. His blunt and direct campaign to help me out of the closet started when he and one of our other best friends visited me at school in Washington. We were 21, and I threw them a party with a bunch of college friends. I had gone on a couple dates with one of the girls at the party, and I was really uncomfortable around her. My friends from home could tell. Actually, most of the people at the party were girls (which they didn't mind), and I was always uncomfortable around girls who showed interest (not an uncommon occurrence)... ;-)

For months after the party, he would ask me on the phone, "So, have you figured out that you're gay yet?" I would chuckle uncomfortably and respond that I had not, and he would say okay. It may seem rude or far too blunt to say that to a person, but it was actually one of the main factors that helped me to really consider it myself. I struggled throughout the following several months until I finally accepted it. I SO wanted to please my family and society at large, and society did not accept being gay. What my friend's blunt campaign did, however, was show me that it WAS okay to be gay. By talking about it like it was normal, he showed me that it was normal. I thank him all the time for his positive role in helping me to tackle this part of myself that I had repressed.

When people's kids ask them if they know anyone who is gay or what it means to be gay, I hope they will speak openly with them and thereby show their kids that it's just like anything else in the world. "Some men like other men, and some women like other women," they could say. "Families aren't just made up of a mom and dad and kids, but sometimes two moms or two dads and kids." It's a simple fact of life - and if we talk about it as such, we'll begin to fully accept it.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T21:23:00.000-08:00

I am thinking of all those tonight whose families won't have them, whose families won't talk about it, whose families won't accept them. One day, society will get this right. For now, let's remember that we are in this together. We at least have each other and our friends and family members who do accept us. Merry Christmas to all.

Same-Sex Marriage in Washington DC

2009-12-15T21:30:00.001-08:00

A big day in the District of Columbia! This is progress! The law would allow same-sex couples from anywhere in the country to marry in the capital. The goal is full and equal protection in all 50 states, but this is one giant step forward! Don't get in the way of progress, Congress...

Washington Post Article

New York Vote

2009-12-02T17:12:00.000-08:00

So, the New York State Assembly voted today on expanding the opportunity of marriage to two people of the same sex. This effort was important because it was a test of legislative consideration of marriage equality.

My own view, however, is that it is not appropriate to put this issue to a vote. That's not how we do it in this country. This country is not based on the majority deciding which rights minorities can have, in which opportunities minorities can share. This country is based on freedom and equality for all, or at least that's what we constantly strive to achieve.

Our courts are meant to enforce that freedom and equality. I still look to them now.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T11:44:00.001-08:00

I'm thinking especially today of those whose families deny them welcome or think this "phase" will pass, and of those who sit in silence and fear of what force might bear down on them if they were to disclose a simple truth about themselves. May faith in the eventual goodness of the world temper their sadness and pain.

The Greatest Generation on LGBT Equality

2009-10-22T07:13:00.001-07:00

National Coming Out Day & the National Equality March

2009-10-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

Today is National Coming Out Day, which coincided with the National Equality March in Washington. Thousands of people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender, along with their friends and families, marched past The White House to the Capitol, demanding full equality in all 50 states. We can’t have different laws for different groups of people. Haven’t we been through this a few times already!?!

We are not demanding rights alone, but also acceptance. It’s time to stop the hate and stop the ignorance. It’s time to let people be themselves and love whomever they love. It’s time to let kids grow up in a safe environment that doesn’t make them question and deny their true selves.

On this National Coming Out Day, make life a little easier for someone who wants to share with you a very important part of him or herself. Pave the way, if you can, and demonstrate that you accept people no matter what their sexuality is. At the very least, stop making gay jokes and stop laughing at them. Call someone out, if you feel bold enough, if they speak in ignorance or hate. And if you, yourself, think you might be lesbian or gay or bisexual or if you struggle with gender identity, talk to someone you trust. We have a huge, supportive community who can help you through what is understandably a hard time.

See, the thing is, we can’t give the rights to ourselves. If we could, we would have done it ages ago. Only you can give us our rights. Only you can make our opponents back down. Only you can stop being our opponent. I’m talking to my friends. I’m talking to my family. I’m talking to my community, the town and state where I grew up. Stop electing people who don’t support equality. Stop accepting delay tactics. Stop making it okay for politicians to ignore us. In fact, I’d love it if you stopped ignoring us.

And don’t just support me – fight with me.

Don't Ask Don't Tell

2009-10-06T19:15:00.000-07:00

The President's National Security Advisor today said that the President would work to repeal the military's Don't Ask Don't Tell law when the time is right. I'm not entirely sure what he meant by that, but he said it wouldn't take years. That's not very comforting, I must say.

My observations of the President so far have shown that he likes movement toward change to grow organically, instead of by his top-down lead. His reaction to the situation in Honduras showed deference to the Organization of American States, which may have been very appropriate. In the health care debate this summer, he let Congress take the lead for the most part.

Perhaps his style is to shepherd change instead of to create it. If that's the case, then it's our job to strengthen the call. But it's also time for our country to accept this change. Stop thinking there's something wrong with us. Stop thinking that gay men and women serving in the military will damage the military and our national security - that's ridiculous.

We're marching on Washington this weekend in the National Equality March, during which we will demand full equality in all 50 states. The march coincides with National Coming Out Day. As we call for full equality in this country, let's also make life a little easier for those who want to share with us an important part of themselves. And let's especially make clear that we will not discharge them from the military if they do.

DOMA

2009-09-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), which was passed by Congress and signed into law by President Clinton in 1996, does two things.

First, it declares that no state need recognize a same-sex marriage that takes place in another state. This defies Article IV of the U.S. Constitution, however, which says that all "acts, records and judicial proceedings" of each state must be recognized by every other state. This is commonly referred to as the Full Faith and Credit Clause.

Second, DOMA says, "The Federal Government defines marriage as a legal union exclusively between one man and one woman." For all purposes of federal law, such as taxes, social security, and benefits for federal employees, DOMA excludes LGBT families.

Right now, two court cases are working their way through the judicial process. One is a challenge by Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD), and the other is a challenge by the Attorney General of Massachusetts. Both are strong and serious lawsuits that a court will find difficult to oppose, but the question is whether or not it will rise to the level of the U.S. Supreme Court. The GLAD lawsuit was filed on behalf of eight same-sex couples who were legally married in Massachusetts and were denied federal marriage benefits. The Massachusetts Attorney General's suit essentially claims that DOMA restricts the rights of the state to define marriage. Conservative states' rights advocates will find themselves tongue-tied with that one.

Today, Congressman Jerrold Nadler, a Democrat from New York, introduced legislation that would repeal DOMA. Though it has 90 co-sponsors, it was immediately met with analysis stating that it did not stand a chance to pass. Congress is not yet confident of voters' support for a repeal of DOMA, and it will therefore not consider it. Most Republicans oppose it outright, and most Democrats are afraid of it hurting their chances for reelection.

So, here's hoping for you, courts.

Noise

2009-09-08T10:46:00.000-07:00

In order to achieve equality in this country, I wonder how many people we will need to convince. Will it be a simple majority, or must we try for consensus? While watching these health care town hall meetings, it is clear that some people are not interested in listening to or being part of the conversation. Rather, some appear locked in their position and determined to work toward derailing the cause of their opposition.

A recent town hall involved a Hispanic clergyman who asked his question in Spanish because the congressman also spoke Spanish. He was heckled throughout his entire question, and it was difficult to even hear him. At the end of his question, however, the majority of people in the hall clapped, seemingly to counter the hecklers.

So this makes me wonder if the opposition we face now is simply loud rather than numerous. Loud voices carry far, and they often direct the conversation. In the case of LGBT equality, a certain number of people work hard to distract us from the real issues of inclusion and fair treatment. They attempt to derail our progress by scaring people into inaction.

Perhaps it would be best to simply ignore them. Since they have no interest in being part of the conversation, maybe we should no longer engage them at all. If they are truly solid in their beliefs, we needn’t work round the clock or expend vast quantities of energy on converting them. We should instead focus on those who are interested in understanding what it means to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender. Many in this country have legitimate questions, and we are most eager to answer them.

In order to make real progress for our cause, we must first block out the distracting noise of those unchangeable people who refuse to participate. Only then can we have a real conversation on LGBT equality.

He's Really Gay

2009-08-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

One of the most frustrating attitudes to me surrounds the labeling of people as more or less gay than others. It is said with judgment, namely that being "more gay" is worse than being "not that gay." The idea is based on our general discomfort with males being effeminate. So, some are willing to accept gays who are "not that gay," but are uncomfortable accepting gays who are "really gay," i.e. really effeminate.

Yes, some gays are more or less effeminate than others. I imagine we have a similar spectrum regarding femininity as straight women do, where some women are more or less effeminate than others. We must get used to this: most gay men are going to be more effeminate than straight men. This does not mean that gay men can't be masculine - in fact, many are and many like it. We all fall somewhere on the spectrum. Researchers are finding that gay men have higher levels of estrogen than straight men. We don't understand all of the biology yet, but there's a clear difference. The behavior is natural, and we must encourage people to be natural, to be themselves.

A Lion for Equality

2009-08-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

In the passing of Senator Ted Kennedy, we lose a prime model of acceptance in the Senate and in national politics generally. Senator Kennedy never wavered in his commitment to equality, and he was there for the gay rights movement early on. He was never afraid to speak out for what was right, and determining what was right was never difficult for him. His simple motto: you have a place at this table. It didn't matter who the "you" was; it could be children, seniors, the poor, the disabled, whoever faced injustice or inequality. He knew what was right, and he proclaimed it ever forcibly.

What we can take from his example is this: know what is right and never stand down. One would always know that Ted Kennedy would fall on the side of acceptance and inclusion. He never felt it was prudent to compromise those values, and he showed it in his votes and in his ferocious speeches. If we can emulate him, it will be by never fearing to stand for what's right.

A Strong Lutheran Stance

2009-08-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

Friday was a great day for the LGBT community. It was a great day for their family and friends, as well. On Friday, in Minneapolis, Minnesota, the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA) decided that it would allow gays and lesbians in monogamous relationships to serve as pastors in the church. Until now, gays and lesbians could serve so long as they remained celibate. Now, the church recognizes the legitimacy of a same-sex relationship and agrees that such a relationship is not inconsistent with the teachings of the Bible.

Our fight for acceptance is not only legal. Yes, we demand equality under the law and expect to receive it in the very near future. But more than that, we wish to be accepted by the communities in which we live. For some, that includes the religious community. Those who wish to be a member of a church have often found themselves unwelcome, as clergy and congregation members declared that they were immoral and condemned by God. Not a very welcoming statement.

I actually thought that we would achieve legal equality before religious acceptance. Certainly this is not broad religious acceptance, but it is a very important step. The theological argument that accepts LGBT into the fold is now even stronger. Lutherans of the ELCA, if I may, know that what’s right is right, and that’s that. I know many people across this country agree with the stance they took, and I pray that those opposing it will see the Truth. People really are wonderful.

Religion and Homosexuality

2009-08-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

The Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA), the largest American Lutheran group, is holding its biennial conference this week in Minneapolis, Minnesota. As one would expect, this Jon Tollefson of Minnesota comes from the Lutheran batch. One-thousand delegates from across the country will gather in part to determine the ELCA's position on LGBT issues. One, they will decide whether to allow same-sex marriages in the church and, two, whether to allow gay men and women who are not celibate to be ordained and called as pastors in the church.

Churches across the country play a major role in the fight for LGBT acceptance. In some cases, pastors and congregations rally against same-sex marriage, calling homosexuality immoral and sinful. In other cases, pastors and congregations are leading the fight for inclusion. It is important that the church play a significant role in this discussion because so much of the objection we hear is on religious grounds.

People often use the Bible to support their claim that homosexuality is morally wrong. They use words like "abomination" and the example that Adam and Eve set to argue that God intended for a man and a woman to be married and raise children. They go further, in fact, to argue that God condemns homosexuality. Many theologians today, however, argue that the Bible does not indeed condemn it. They argue that no part of the Bible actually discusses homosexuality as a state of being, but rather only alludes in a few places to same-sex acts. These allusions, while frequently quoted, are rarely discussed within the context of that particular part of the Bible or with regard to cultural shifts over two or three-thousand years.

This is a touchy and important subject - and I want to deal with it more throughout this week. I will end today, however, with the text of a scene from my favorite TV show, The West Wing. The scene took place between the President (played by Martin Sheen) and a conservative radio talk show host, probably meant to represent Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

In The White House, before an audience of radio talk show hosts. The President tried to give a brief speech, but was distracted after recognizing the lone person who was sitting.

“Excuse me, doctor,” said the President. “It’s good to have you here. Are you an M.D.?”

“A Ph.D.,” she responded.

“In psychology?”

“No, sir.”

“Theology?”

“No.”

“Social work?”

“I have a Ph.D. in English literature,” she said.

“I’m asking,” he said, “because on your show people call in for advice and you go by the title ‘doctor,’ and I didn’t know if maybe your listeners were confused by that and assumed you had advanced training in psychology, theology, or health care.”

“I don’t believe they are confused. No, sir,” she replied.

“Good,” said the President. “I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.”

“I don’t say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President,” she said. “The Bible does.”

“Yes, it does! Leviticus 18:22,” he said. “I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I’m interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She’s a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be?”

He continued, “While thinking about that, can I ask another? My chief of staff, Leo McGarry, insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it OK to call the police?

“Here’s one that’s really important, ‘cause we’ve got a lot of sports fans in this town. Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean, Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point?

“Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side?

“Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads?

“Think about those questions, would you? One last thing. While you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the ignorant tight-a** club, in this building when the President stands, nobody sits.” He glared at her as she slowly rose to her feet.

-From NBC's The West Wing, Episode 25, "The Midterms," originally aired October 18, 2000.

Attacks in Tel Aviv

2009-08-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

Attacks in Tel Aviv over the weekend remind us of the danger of hatred. They remind us of the danger of not condemning hatred at its budding form. Of course, most of us would not attack a center for gay and lesbian youth, killing two and wounding eleven, but most of us would hesitate to admonish someone for a lesser display of hate.

Laughing at an effeminate boy lays wounds sometimes too deep to heal. Teaching our children that differences should be feared and rejected perpetuates this sharp, barbed ring. And pastors, rabbis, and clerics who stand behind holy alters to profess hate instead of love lend credence to violence like this. We must push back against these displays of hate. For allowing them to continue allows violence like this to continue.

As a member of Israel's parliament said, "It is true, we do not yet know who the murderer is and what his motives were. But we do know that there was hate here. . . . We must all ask ourselves whether we have truly done enough to prevent incitement and derision."

Let us hope that this will not make people more afraid to accept who they are and to be themselves. Perhaps if we all cry out together, we can shatter that hatred and relieve that fear.

L.A. Times Story

Man/Woman vs. Male/Female

2009-07-30T09:47:00.000-07:00

We often hear the terms gender and sex used interchangeably. They do not, however, have the same definition. Sex describes the physical characteristics of a human or animal, male or female. Gender, while at its simplest definition can be used synonymously with sex, is a social term that has much more meaning that simply male or female. We use words such as man, woman, boy, girl, guy, gal, fella, or whatever. Gender tells us something about the person, more than just what sex they are.

If someone says, "He's quite an athlete," we can probably assume that the person is in great shape, can perhaps run fast, or has particular skill in a sport. We envision the general definition of athlete. If someone says, “He’s quite a man,” we think of the definition of man and assume some things about that person. Perhaps he is tall, well built, and handsome. One could spot him in the yard, chopping wood or grilling brats. In this case, we assume more than just physical characteristics of the person, but also behavioral.

So, this begs the question: do our current categories of gender continue to accurately describe people? I was surprised the first time I heard this question raised. The person I was speaking to wondered if maybe we now have more than two genders. Can there be a third or fourth or even fifth gender? Since gender is a social term that describes behavior and personality and not simply physical characteristics, perhaps we can no longer be divided into the two categories of men and women.

This is a baffling question, one that shocks the very foundation of our perception of mankind. But perhaps as we move forward, we will begin to identify a few more genders to describe ourselves: man, woman, gay, lesbian, trans man, trans woman... Or perhaps we will get rid of gender altogether and simply focus on the individual. I don't know which is best, but I suppose the only way it would really matter is if we continue to enforce gender roles and expectations. In the absence of that, we may not need labels and gender definitions.

Gender

2009-07-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

Over the next couple postings, I'd like to explore the ideas of gender and the roles and expectations that come with it. Starting at a very young age, boys are expected to play with trucks, learn how to throw a football, and play rough games. Girls are expected to play with dolls, learn how to make cupcakes, and play princess games. When I was a little boy, I played with trucks and with dolls, I learned how to throw a football and make cupcakes, and I played rough games, as well as princess games. And I liked doing each of those activities, but I am without doubt better at making cupcakes than I am at throwing a football!

Now, these are silly stereotypes that are beginning to have less relevance. And let me be clear: a boy playing with dolls does not make him gay, and a girl playing with trucks does not make her lesbian. This is simply a good example to illustrate how gay boys and girls might be different from other boys and girls at a young age.

For adults and young people alike, our society has developed and maintained specific roles and expectations based on gender. Women are to do this, while men are to do that. All are expected to accept these roles and adhere to them. Over the past few generations, women have successfully challenged their assigned roles. With shameful degradation, society once told women to keep quiet during discussions of politics or philosophy and largely forbade them from entering the workforce. While success is not yet fully achieved, society has made large strides to allow equality between genders.

Without speaking on behalf of the women's rights movement, I wish to point out certain similarities between it and the gay rights movement. In addition to fulfilling certain roles, men and women are expected to behave in certain ways, specifically in reference to the ideas of masculinity and femininity. Gay men and women, however, do not necessarily want to follow their assigned roles of masculinity and femininity, and in many cases, nor do straight men and women. Each and every person is different, and everyone falls differently on the spectrum of masculinity and femininity. I would also say that everyone falls on that spectrum without necessary regard to one’s sexuality. In other words, a straight man can be effeminate and still be straight, just as a straight woman can be masculine and still be straight. But it is accurate to observe that many or most gay men are more effeminate than straight men and many or most lesbians are more masculine than straight women. Researchers study why this is, but I think it is fair to generalize in that way.

So, as part of the gay rights movement, we ask to be accepted for exactly who we are, however contrary that might be to entrenched gender-based expectations.

My Best Friend is Gay

2009-07-09T13:56:00.000-07:00

My buddy, Matt, wanted to share his perspective of me coming out. Here is what he wrote:

My Best Friend is Gay

From everything I’ve ever heard, or observed, coming out as being gay can be a difficult and trying process. The fundamental concern, of course, is how will the people close to you react? Parents? Siblings? Grandparents? Other relatives? And, often of special concern, is how friends, and particularly close heterosexual friends of the same gender, will react to the news.

After reading Jon’s blog post detailing his experience associated with coming out as being gay, I felt the need to share my experience. My name is Matt. I am a 24 year old heterosexual male who has been close friends, if not best friends, with Jon since junior high school. I was one of the first people he told that he was gay. However, despite how close we had been for so many years, or maybe because of it, I know that I was one of the people Jon was most nervous about coming out to. I would also like to think that I was one of the people who was most supportive and helpful when he heard the news.

I will always remember the day Jon came out to me. It was a beautiful summer day. We were meeting for coffee and deep conversation, as we had regularly done for years. I don’t recall exactly what we were talking about immediately before he told me, but I do know we had been there for about an hour or so at that point. I will never forget how he did it. He half way interrupted whatever rambling line of conversation I was currently babbling about and he said to me “you know how we always talk about finding the right woman…well I won’t….Matt, I’m gay”. To this, I calmly responded, “ok”, without visible shock or dismay (in large part because I have trained myself not to visibly react when I am confronted with something that is shocking and of great significance). However, inside, my thought process was “is he joking?...is that something a person would joke about?...is it something Jon would joke about??”. After I realized he wasn’t joking, I focused on not reacting poorly, and on trying to make the process as easy for him as possible.

I let Jon expound on his early statement and express his thoughts and feelings on the matter. When he was done, I looked him right in the eye and said, “Jon, I am very glad that you trusted me enough to share this part of yourself with me. I know it couldn’t have been easy. At this point, I just want to say that this doesn’t change a thing between us. We were best friends before you told me and best friends we will remain.” I could clearly see how much this meant to Jon. It made me feel really good to see that, and to know that I was helping him through this.

After talking things out for another hour or so, including a candid Q&A, we parted ways with a firm handshake, as we had for years. As I drove home, the magnitude of what had been disclosed washed over me. I realized that I had been, and still was, in shock, almost at a physiological level. “Wow, Jon is gay!!” I knew it changed nothing, but in a way it was a fundamental change not just to my perception of Jon, but to my perception of reality. It was as if somebody walked up to me one day and told me that the earth was flat. Not that earth being round or flat, or Jon being gay or straight made any difference to me, it was just a jarring revelation. You can’t, you simply CAN NOT, know somebody for over half your life, think that something is absolutely true about them, find out it is false, and not be a little freaked out. Quite honestly, it made me wonder what else in my life I had been sure about, that was not, in reality, accurate.

However, I will say that the shock wore off quickly, and within a day or two I had mentally assimilated the change. Jon was gay, I understood, I accepted, and reality came back into focus.

As the days and weeks drifted by, I realized that I was wrong about one thing…our relationship had changed. I am happy to say that it markedly improved! We became closer than ever! Finally, Jon seemed like a complete person and we seemed as though we had more in common. Throughout our time as friends, I had always recalled making sexual comments about young women (as is the norm with young men) and having Jon roll his eyes at me every time I did so. I always wrote it off as Jon being conservative and mature, but it just never seemed to fully make sense to me. But, now I understood why Jon responded the way. It made sense, Jon made sense, life was good!

As more time passed I got to see Jon discover more and more about himself, and I have loved every minute of it. It has been a truly beautiful thing to observe. Seeing Jon become the wonderful person that he is has been a very rewarding experience. The whole process has taught me a lot about what it means to be gay, what it means to be a friend and what it means to be a complete human.

However, that is by no means to say that the process is over. Jon, like all human beings, will continue to grow and to evolve. And, I look forward to observing every minute of it. I love ya buddy!

Changing Perceptions

2009-07-06T17:30:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite stories relating to coming out was the reaction of some of my friends’ parents. So many people have only known LGBT folks through stereotypes and not personal acquaintance. These stereotypes can be awful, which does not bode well for someone coming out.

A neat thing seems to happen, though. Often, when my friends tell their parents that I am gay, they are shocked and say, “No, he’s not – he can’t be.” So many have misconceptions about what it means to be gay, and I apparently didn’t fit their definition. They are baffled, however, and usually take a completely new look at what it means to be gay.

This is not at all to say that I’m overly masculine or that I avoid appearing gay – quite the opposite. It is simply to say that my friends’ parents accepted me for who I was without actually knowing my sexuality.

While past generations were forced into hiding and to live secret lives, my generation is not. We go on dates: out to dinner or to a play or whatever, very much in public. While we may not yet be comfortable holding hands while walking down the street, we are at least not ashamed to go out on the town. We are therefore allowed to live much more normally than gays in past generations have been able to do.

So, many of my friends’ parents have changed their views on LGBT acceptance. The best is when my friends tell me, "So my very conservative father is now in favor of gay marriage because he knows you and he wants you to be happy." And this is all simply because he was surprised to learn he knew someone who was gay.

Happy 4th of July!

2009-07-04T09:37:00.000-07:00

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

My Name is Jon, and I'm Gay

2009-07-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

My name is Jon Tollefson, and I'm gay. I grew up in a suburb of Minneapolis, Minnesota as a very normal child in my community. I don't consider myself any different from my classmates in school. I went to college in Washington, DC, and now work for the State Department. And I don't have an alternative lifestyle - so stop using that phrase! I laugh when I say this because the expectation of young gays is that we will be treated the same as everyone else. Our generation treats us the same, and we thought for a moment that everyone would. And I believe that everyone will once they get to know us and realize that we're not at all different.

In fact, we want the same things as anyone else, meaning we don't see our paths as different because we're gay. I want a boyfriend. I want to get married. And I want to have kids. I want to sit and laugh with my family on holidays with my husband and children, just like my sister wants. My brother wants to sit and laugh with our family on holidays with his wife and children. There really isn't much difference between my brother, my sister, and me.

I can remember the moment that this all clicked for my mom. She struggled for a bit, as pretty much every parent does, after I told her I was gay. Despite her struggle, on the first day after I told her, she said, “You know that I will be your biggest advocate.” She didn't know why she was struggling, and she didn't want to be, but it's completely natural and normal. She was confronted with a reality that was totally different from what she knew. She had planned out my life, including my wife, my children, my job, and all the rest. Parents apparently plan these things!

Anyway, a number of months later, my mom told me that they were interviewing a new pastor at church and that she really liked this one. The pastor had driven up in a car with a rainbow sticker on the back - she apparently had a gay son, too. They asked her about this during the interview, and she told her story. As it turned out, a few other members had gay people in their family, too. So when my mom was telling me all this, she was in what had become her normal state when discussing gay matters: thoughtful, searching, and a bit uncomfortable. She said that the pastor had a gay son, and I interrupted to ask, “Is he cute?” My mom, taken aback, looked at me puzzled, rattled her head in epiphany as mountains of misunderstanding rolled off her brain, and proclaimed, "What? Oh!" At that moment, she realized that I in fact wanted exactly what she thought I wanted - just with a guy instead of a girl. From then onward, she continued to plan my fantastical life in her head.

Unsettled

2009-07-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

As I came to work today, by foot and by bus, I was quite unsettled. Sure, waiting an extra ten minutes at the coffee shop for a toasted bagel and cream cheese didn't help, but that's certainly not why. My sleep ended early this morning, as it sometimes does, and I went online to read the news and check email.

My friend Mandy, who is in Bangladesh right now on a public health fellowship, said that India had just decriminalized consensual sexual acts between people of the same sex. The infamous law, numbered 377, is remnant of colonial law and found throughout many countries in the commonwealth. India's high court ruled that Section 377 violated India's constitution and called it a violation of fundamental rights. Being gay is no longer illegal.

So, we return to our fair country, where it is not illegal to be gay. Rather, consensual sexual acts between people of the same sex are not illegal. The U.S. Supreme Court ruled in 2003 (Lawrence v. Texas) that such state laws were unconstitutional. Gay Americans, however, still do not receive equal treatment under the law. But perhaps more importantly, gay Americans do not receive equal treatment in society.

Public discussion today on gay rights is so focused on legal equality, which is exactly what we are demanding and exactly what we have the right to demand. But our biggest road block right now is an immense social discomfort with those who are gay. It fits well the definition of the white elephant in the room - because we are not talking about it. Here sits this massive white elephant, lingering in the back of the room twirling its thumbs. While we sit at the table demanding legal rights (which we MUST demand and will continue to demand), we ignore the elephant. We yell at President Obama for not doing enough. We blame the HRC for being weak. We blame blacks and Mormons who campaigned and voted for Proposition 8 in California. But what we need to do is address this elephant sitting behind us.

Society has long had a discomfort with people who are gay, and that's not innately bad. Until we get to know something, we as people are generally not going to jump on board. And that's okay! People are still unfamiliar with the concept of being gay, and they are more unfamiliar with the concept of being bisexual, and they are even more unfamiliar with the concept of being transgender!

What the LGBT community needs to do right now is get out there into our communities and talk about being lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender. And we must do this together. We don't need bickering between the New York, San Francisco, and Washington camps. We need to get out there in a full-force public relations campaign to tell people who we are and let them get to know us. Each of us can do this. More and more people around the country are realizing that they know someone who is gay. But we do not yet have a social framework for capturing that curiosity and helping people to understand us. So, let's get out there.